Running Time:  91 minutes
Writer: Steve Slavkin
Director: Rospo Pallenberg
Starring: Brad Pitt, Jill Shoelen, Martin Mull, Roddy McDowall
Available From: Amazon.com

When Paula is introduced as the lead character in 1988's Cutting Class, she's in her driveway retrieving the morning paper sans pants (of course - don't we all), when she's suddenly surprised by a rifle packing Martin Mull. This is not as wonderful as it seems, although Mull, here playing Paula's district attorney father, probably signed on to act in the movie based on this page one moment. Cute girl with no pants? Where do I sign? Alas, Mull no doubt wishes he read more of the script, hindsight most assuredly shared by his co-stars who include among them such luminaries as Camp Freddy lead singer Donovan Leitch, genre vet and former ape doctor Roddy McDowall, and some guy named Brad Pitt who's best known for cheating on America's sweetheart with a cyborg and raising a small third world nation as his progeny.

What little story there is in Cutting Class revolves around sweet, cute Paula who just wants to go to school and get in some good studying time while her dad is away somewhere in the wilds of California hunting pheasant. Her libidinous boyfriend Dwight (Pitt) has other plans, however, as does Dwight's ex-best friend, a creepy slow talker named Brian that's recently been released from an institution where he was sentenced for killing his father! And to add to the drama, it was Paula's district attorney dad that put the kid in the padded room!

When people start showing up dead around school in a variety of contrived, often nonsensical ways, it's up to Paula to do, well... nothing really. Besides reacting to a series of eye-roll inducing red herrings, Paula models in a bathing suit for an art class, provides a cheap thrill for the school's principal (McDowall) by bending over in a short skirt, and fights off Dwight's ever insistent teenage advances. All the while Brian (Leitch) looks and acts more like a lovechild spawned by The Kids in the Hall's Dave Foley and Sleepy Hollow's raven-haired Chistopher Walken, forcing one to wonder aloud “There's no way the obvious guy is the killer, right? It's just too obvious.”

Be that as it may, the movie pads out its 90 minute running time with few spikes proving it's not completely flat-line, almost all provided by some pretty humorous exchanges with perpetually ticked off supporting characters like gym coach Harris and Mrs. Knocht (pronounced with the K and definitely uttered enough times for a dangerous drinking game). The premiere bon mots, however, come from raging janitor Shultz who at one point races up behind Paula and Dwight and, eyes wide with supposed crazy, declares “I am the custodian of your f*%king destiny.”

It'd be nice to say that's enough to recommend Cutting Class, but it really isn't. The intentional comedy largely falls confusingly - almost dangerously - flat and the scares are non-existent. And while young Jill Shoelen as Paula certainly is easy on the eyes, her scenes tease without payoff in such ridiculous fashion that it actually becomes distracting. Oh look, she's topless as she washes her hair while bending over the side of the tub! But, no! She's bent in such a way as to reveal nothing! Alas wait! Here comes Brian and... oh... nope, she covered herself up with her hand. Whoa! She tries to stab Brian with a pair of scissors and he's holding up her hand and... the shot is framed neck up. By the time exposed breasts do parade across the frame, it's completely out of context and unexpected, making it seem almost like the shot, along with a random f-bomb volley between Coach Harris and Dwight, were inserted strictly so the movie could get an R-rating. Take them out and this thing would have been PG... a SOFT PG.

Of course Pitt's presence in this inept comedy/horror picture is the only reason anyone would happen to see it outside of 80's movie fetishists and cheesy movie aficionados (there is a difference, albeit a very, very small difference). Therefore it's easy to blame him for getting you into this mess. Damn you, Brad Pitt. Damn you and your perfect hair.

While it might be Pitt's fault that Cutting Class still exists since his star clout resulted in an “Unrated” 2007 DVD re-release with a Fight Club-esque cover photo of the actor, it's certainly not his fault it was made in the first place. Back in 1988 he was still an up-and-comer with only a few TV credits to his name. Maybe this was going to be his big break – Hell, maybe it WAS his big break. It's entirely possible Ridley Scott was feeding his own b-movie addiction while casting Thelma and Louise, catching some late night screening of Cutting Class in a dingy LA theater with sticky floors; thinking to himself, “I'm going to save this poor bastard because no one will hire him after this.” Indeed, Brad Pitt's career may be the result of a cinematic mercy lay. But calling this disaster his fault, no no... that would let the real perpetrators off the hook, something no one who has sat through this failure will allow. This is the kind of debacle where people need to be punished, and freshmen “talents” Steve Slavkin and Rospo Pallenberg need to be called to task.

As the writer and director of Cutting Class respectively, Slavkin and Pallenberg seem challenged by the very idea of what would make a horror movie scary or a comedy funny, instead excelling at one thing only: making many scenes feel as if they have almost no connection to the scenes preceding them. The effect isn't just distracting, it's downright jarring - not simply because character emotions make a complete 180 from scene to scene, but because simple tenants of time and space are completely ignored when it comes to Brian's whereabouts. This bit of nonsense is admitted by the filmmakers during one gag, but their conceit just manages to further prove the obvious: no one really knew what they were doing behind the scenes. Further evidence? Pallenberg was a creative associate (and uncredited writer) on one of the most loathed sequels of all time, Exorcist II: The Heretic, and Slavkin's last couple paying gigs, as of this review, were episodes of Power Rangers TV shows.

Cutting Class is a footnote in that 80's love affair with the high school-based slasher movie. A trifle of pointless dialogue, colorless direction, vapid plot “twists” and embarrassing supporting turns by actors that should have known better, the movie limps through a procession of lame teen movie clichés never intentionally earning a laugh or a jump scare. In effect, Cutting Class earns detention for breaking the cardinal rule of all movies: it's boring.